Dumbledore and the Insidious Plot
by Daktalakpak
Summary: The story starts when Dumpty losts his sandals. The story contains lots of plot twists and humor. I must warn you those sandals aren't the main point. There will be Voldie plotting, pairings: HD, SSRL and a few other as well.Enjoy this reckless story.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Dumpty had a pair of sandals. He'd had them as long as he could remember. He had got them as a birthday gift from his grandfather. The sandals had the Union Jack printed on their soles. Once, somebody stole them when he was on holiday in Africa but after a week the sandals returned mysteriously back to him. Of course he knew why: because he had cast a spell over them which made the person who wears them, other than Dumpty, appear completely naked in the eyes of others. Of course these sandals had special abilities. For example when he wished the sandals could make him invisible.

But now he had lost them. He couldn't find them since yesterday.

"Where the bloody hell are they?" Dumpty rummaged in the dark cupboard. Suddenly a shadow fell over him. He turned around. Somebody was standing in the doorway. He couldn't see who it was.

"Good evening Albus. I heard noises and thought you might be in trouble." He recognised the voice, it belong to Remus Lupin.

"Ah, Remus. What brings you here?" Dumpty asked as he got out of the cupboard.

"I heard it is your birthday and I came to give you this." Remus was holding a small red package with a golden ribbon.

"Thank you." Dumpty took the package from Remus. He went to his office, laid the package on his desk and sat down.

"What were you looking for in that cupboard anyway?" Remus asked as he took a seat on the other side of the desk.

"Just my old sandals and there's no doubt He-who-must-not-be-named has stolen my sandals as part of some insidious plot."

"Oh, I see and you reached this conclusion because..?"

"Because Voldie will do anything to conquer the world even steal my panties."

"Ah, that's why you could not keep your pantyhose on."

"No, it was because somebody had put a fish in them. Anyway, my sandals are missing and they are of great value to me." Dumpty looked Remus with puppy eyes.

"Not those puppy eyes. Damn you Dumpty!"

Dumpty kept looking at him. "Okay okay, I will try to find them for you."

Dumpty smiled smugly. "Very kind of you. Be certain that you search all of them."

"All of them?" Remus asked confused.

"One hundred and seventeen cupboards but now I have to go. Have fun!"

Remus was left alone with his task.

**In the meantime..**

"Now that I have Dumpty's sandals I can take over the world!" Voldie was jumping up and down around his throne.

"I don't understand why we stole those sandals." Wormtail looked Voldie like he had gone crazy.

"Of course you don't, you idiot! No man will ever understand how genius I am." Voldie was now gasping for air.

"Maybe a hermaphrodite could but Sir.."

"I'm no Sir to you. You shall call me Lord Voldie the Evil maniac!" Voldie screamed at Wormtail.

"Of course, Lord Voldie the Evil maniac," Wormtail answered.

"Good and you should, at least once a day, call me sexy and beautiful."

"Of course, Lord Voldie the Evil maniac," Wormtail answered again.

"I should give you a raise." Voldie suddenly decided.

"Oh, Thank you, Lord Voldie the Evil maniac!"

"But I won't, you have to earn it. What do we have next in our TakeOverTheWorldPlan-list?"

" It says, 'Kill somebody and then sing karaoke on their grave'," Wormtail read aloud.

"We will do that."

"But who are we going to kill?"

"Harry Potter."

"No not again. We will never succeed," Wormtail whined.

"Okay okay, let me think. Hmm... Aha! We will kill Draco Malfoy!"

"But he's Harry Potter's boyfriend."

"Ah, you're right it will never work unless.."

"Unless what?"

"We break their relationship and then they both are going to commit suicide!"

"And how are we going to do that?"

"Ah, don't worry, I have a plan."

**Back to Hogwarts..**

"Have you found my sandals yet?" Dumpty returned to his office.

"No I haven't. But I have found a miniature of a pink hippogriff, pair of new socks, playboy magazines and some box with kinky stuff in it that I don't want to remember," Remus answered.

"Ah, I always wondered where I had put them. Remus, are you feeling well? You look like you're going to be sick. I was just talking about the new socks you found. I think that 'kinky stuff-box' belongs to Snape. He asked me if I could keep it save for him. He couldn't risk any of his students to find it."

"Please, too much information! I can't ever take Snape seriously again," Remus whined.

"Then maybe I should obliviate you."

"Please do."

"Obliviate."

After a moment Remus looked up to Dumpty with confused eyes.

"Remus, are you okay?"

Remus just kept looking at Dumpty.

"Who are you?" Remus asked weakly.

"Oh my." Dumpty had gotten himself into serious trouble.


	2. Chapter 2

**Few days later in Dumpty's office...**

There was a knock on the door.

"Ah, Severus come in," Dumpty called relieved by the disturbance.

"Good evening Headmaster. Well well, Remus. Nice to see you too," Snape said sarcastically.

"How did you know my name? This has to be a sign. My mother says that if someone can tell your name just by looking at you then it's likely you're going to marry them in the future but you actually look kind of familiar. Have we met before?"

Snape looked over to Dumpty who shook his head slightly.

"No we haven't." Snape didn't understand what was going on but decided to play along. Besides this couldn't possibly be one of those times when Dumpty tried to get him and Remus together. Although Dumpty was wearing his pimp hat.

"Oh great, now we can get to know each other better. How about we go to Diagon Alley for an ice cream?" Remus was smiling brightly at Snape.

"Sure why not." Snape just couldn't wait to poison this smiling monster.

"Why don't you take this with you." Dumpty handed the 'kinky stuff-box' to Snape.

"What's in the box?" Remus asked innocently.

"Er.. Nothing. Could you wait outside for a minute? I have to speak with Dumpty for a moment."

"Okay," Remus said in sing-song voice.

When the door closed behind Remus,

"What have you done to him?" Snape sighed.

"I obliviated him which obviously worked but it got little bit out of hand."

"A little bit! He's like nine year-old boy."

"Actually eleven but now I must ask if you could watch over him for couple of days. You can do what ever you want with him but nothing dangerous. Although I must warn you he can be little too happy and sometimes he even asked me to play hide and seek with him. It would be impossible for you to find him if you had a beard."

"Do I have to? Oh God please tell me I'm dreaming!"

NO YOU AREN'T came a voice somewhere above.

"Oh shit. Fine, I'll look after him until you find a suitable kindergarten."

"Now off you go Severus. I have work to do," said Dumpty and shooed Snape out of his office.

**In Malfoy Manor..**

Harry was sitting in library when Draco walked in.

"Happy birthday Harry! I think I'm in love with Dumpty." Draco said matter-of-factly.

"What?"

"I said I'm.."

"Yes yes but I mean how?"

"Some guy named Bob gave me love potion."

"Some guy named Bob gave you love potion and you just drank it?"

"No, I didn't know it was love potion when I drank it."

"So if it was Bob who gave it to you, how you're in love with Dumpty then?" Harry started to look suspicious.

"I was blindfolded at the time and before you ask, I was kidnapped."

"Kidnapped! How can you be so calm! What if he had killed you!" Harry screamed.

"Calm down, he didn't try to kill me. He gave me this and said that I should give it to you." Draco took a letter from his pocket and gave it to Harry.

Harry opened the letter and his eyes widened as he read it.

"What does it say?" Draco's voice was concerned.

"Look for yourself." Harry handed the letter back to Draco.

It said,

_Dear Harry,_

_I hope you had a nice birthday because it won't last forever. _

_I admit that I gave your precious Draco some love potion but unfortunately Dumpty was in the wrong place at the wrong time._

_Can I have your forgiveness. I could have killed him but then I decided to make your life hellish._

_Now I regret everything bad I have ever done to you and your "family"._

_I really hope we can some day live side by side in harmony._

_But before that I must just once try and take over the world._

_Sincerely yours,_

_Lord Voldie the Evil maniac_

_OXOXXOXO_

"What the Hell!" Draco was looking the letter with disbelieve.

"My thoughts exactly. I have always known he's crazy but now I truly understand.."

"Ah, good you're both here. I have something to tell you and it is best if I tell you first before Voldie does," Dumpty said as his stepped inside the library.


	3. Chapter 3

**Still In Malfoy Manor...**

"Ah, good you're both here. I have something to tell you and it's best if I tell you first before Voldie does," Dumpty said as his stepped inside the library.

"What is it?" Harry stood as Dumpty entered.

"You should know that.."

"What we should know?" Draco asked.

"That apples are on sale today," Dumpty said seriously.

"You got to be kidding me!" Harry couldn't believe his mentor was talking about apples in time like this.

"No I'm quite serious. Voldie could kill you with apples if you're not careful. Anyway I had some other things in my mind as well."

Harry and Draco were looking at Dumpty with their mouths open.

"Don't look so amazed. I know my hair looks nice and I only changed shampoos. Anyway, When are you going to get married?" Dumpty asked suddenly.

"Married? We haven't thought about it yet, have we?" Harry asked from Draco.

"As matter of fact I have been thinking about it but I wasn't sure if you even want to marry me but I'm so pretty, so how can you resist me," Draco was speaking more to himself than to Harry or Dumpty as he looked at himself in the mirror.

"Maybe you two should talk about it. I leave you alone to do so," Dumpty said as he backed out of the door.

**An Hour Later..**

Harry and Draco were snogging in the library as Lucius entered.

"Draco! Didn't I tell you NO SEX before the wedding!" Lucius roared.

"Wow, word does travel fast around here and father, calm down. We were just kissing." Draco tried to sound calm but was the opposite.

"Just kissing! I know where kissing Potter can lead to. I mean.." Lucius' face was slowly turning red.

"What? You've kissed Harry?" Draco feared what his father would answer.

"No! And I'm not going to tell you anything about my snog session with James."

"You had a snog session with James Potter! I thought you were straight." Draco and Harry were both shocked.

"I'm straight as Severus Snape's nose but that's besides the point. You must stop groping each other. You can grope as much as you like after the wedding," Lucius said to the couple; who were just holding hands.

"We want to know more about you and James. Please tell us," Draco tried to look as cute as possible.

Suddenly there was panicked look on Lucius face.

"It's none of your business," Lucius said and hurried out of the room.

They could hear him muttering something like; 'Horny teenagers..pain in the arse..' as he went.

**Back to Hogwarts..**

"I can't believe I agreed to do this," Severus said as he stepped inside to Dumpty's office.

"I thought you liked kids," Dumpty said with a twinkle in his eyes.

"No, I don't and especially full grown kids are the worst."

"Where is he? You didn't kill him, did you?" Dumpty looked worriedly behind Severus.

"No, although I tried but as you can see he isn't dead." With that Remus came to the room. He had "a jumping stick" as Severus called it, and he was jumping around with it.

"Remus can I have your attention please?" Dumpty asked gently.

"Sure dude. What's up?"

"Oh, I forgot to mention that he started to talk like a bloody American."

"Please sit down, Remus before you hurt yourself. I have to tell you something about Harry."

"What about Potter?" Snape asked and was glaring at Remus.

"I wanted to tell you that Harry is Voldie's son."

"Who's Harry?" Remus had a confused look on his face.

"Harry Potter The-Boy-Who-Won't-Die-Because-Voldie-Wants-To-Be-A-Evil-Maniac-Until-The-World-Comes-To-An-End.

"The-Boy-Who-Can't-Steal-Voldie's-Panties.

"The-Boy-Who-Instead-Of-Stealing-Voldies-Panties-Stole-My-Kinky-Stuff-Box.

"The-Boy-Who.."

"That's enough, Severus," Dumpty demanded.

"Anyway, I don't want Harry to know about this because it would change Harry's opinion about Voldie and then we would fail the mission 'RescueDumpty'sSandals'," Dumpty continued.

"We can't allow that! I promise not to tell Potter, you have my word," Snape said.

"Thank you, Severus. I think you have some work to do, am I right?"

"Erm.. as matter of fact.."

"Good now off you go so I can speak with Remus for a while," Dumpty said and stared at Severus expectantly.

"But it's Christmas, I don't have.."

"Severus, goodbye," Dumpty said firmly.

"Fine. Have a nice day," Severus said and left the office.


	4. Chapter 4

**In Hogwarts..**

"There you go, that should do it." Dumpty gave a potion he had invented to Remus.

"How are you feeling, Remus?" Dumpty asked after a few minutes.

"Fine. I'm fine, thank you." Remus looked pale.

"So you have your memory back?"

"Yes, I think so. What was in that potion? I haven't ever drank nothing like it."

"Well, the ingredients were: Salamander's eye, a one cup of coffee, the sorting hat, my finger nail and erm.. something Severus gave," Dumpty answered.

"What was it? Blood?"

"Well not exactly. Although it was something that 'came' out of him. Let's just say that I used the 'kinky stuff-box' to get it."

"Oh my god!" The image of Dumpty and Severus getting it on was too much for poor Remus and he ran for the nearest bin but it wasn't a bin at all. It was Dumpty's pensieve.

"Oh my," Dumpty sighed.

**Voldie's Lair...**

"I have a plan," Voldie announced.

"We will have a party and Harry Potter and his boyfriend will be our guests of honour. But the evil part is that there will be no one else besides them in here! Mwuahahahaa!" Voldie continued by laughing evilly.

"But Lord Voldie the Evil maniac how are we going to kill them?" asked Wormtail.

"First we drug them then we use these." Voldie took two objects from his pocket.

"What the hell are we going to do with a bag of salted peanuts and a fork?"

"We force both of them to commit suicide with this fork and we can eat peanuts while watching them," Voldie replied to Wormtail's stupid question.

Wormtail rolled his eyes.

"Maybe I should go and get Lucius here. Maybe he had some better ideas," Wormtail said finally.

"No, he mustn't know that we are going to kill his precious little heir. Aha!" Voldie suddenly yelped.

"What if Lucius murders his own son and Potter commits a suicide," Voldie stated.

"That is an excellent idea, Lord Voldie the Evil maniac," Wormtail smiled to his master.

**Back To Hogwarts..**

After cleaning the pensieve Remus had left and Dumpty took his diary and started to write.

_Good morning my dearest diary,_

_This week has been splendid. _

_A year ago I hocked Harry and Draco up and now I'm almost getting Remus and Severus together._

_I have been, with Lucius, scheming and now it looks like it's working._

_I haven't shown all my cards yet. _

_Not even to Lucius. _

_Remus knows a little about this but he doesn't know why I make him do all those things._

_Severus however doesn't have a clue._

_Personally I don't like him that much. _

_He's like a bat. _

_He always appears from only god knows where._

_He always has something to discuss with me._

_Sometimes he disturbs me when I'm taking a bath and playing with my rubber ducks._

_Most of the times he wants to talk about Remus._

_But when I mentioned it to him, he fell silent and has been sulking ever since._

_This happened twenty years ago._

_But now I must hurry, I have an Order meeting in an hour._

_Sincerely yours,_

_Albus Percival Wulfric Brian 'Dumpty' Dumbledore_


	5. Chapter 5

**Hogwarts, In Snape's office**

"Severus, what are you still doing here?" Remus asked as he entered.

"I'm working here. It is after all my office," Snape answered and glared at Remus.

"No, I meant it's Christmas. you should be home baking gingerbread's or something." Remus sat down facing Snape.

"I prefer working and besides I hate ginger."

Remus walked over a bin and threw something in it. Remus had baked one large gingerbread for Severus.

"So, what about we go in the Three Broomsticks for butterbeer?" Remus asked as he sat down again.

"Severus' Kindergarten isn't open at Christmas, so shoo!" Severus sneered at Remus.

Remus looked Severus.

Severus looked Remus.

"Oh, alright. I give up." Severus couldn't handle Remus' puppy eyes anymore. Remus had learned at least on thing from Albus 'old goat' 'Dumpty' Dumbledore.

**Hogwats, Dumpty's office**

"Ah, Lucius. Come in," Dumpty greeted as Lucius stepped into his office.

"Good afternoon, Albus. It's been a long time." Lucius sat down gracefully facing Dumpty.

"So how's Voldie?"

"He's still the same but actually I came here to discuss something else than Voldie," Lucius replied.

"Go on," Dumpty urged Lucius to go on.

"I've been wondering, how's things going between Severus and Lupin?"

"There's finally something going on but they are morons and don't see it. I've been trying and trying but they haven't even hugged yet. But if you could do something for me," Dumpty said.

"What can I do?" Lucius asked.

"Well if you could.."

Half an hour later there was a knock on the door.

"I'll get it." Lucius opened the door and there was Remus behind it.

"Ah, Remus. Come in. I was just on my back to Malfoy manor," Lucius said politely to Remus who looked like he had been hit by a bus.

"Well, I'll be going now." Lucius walked past Remus.

"Remus, come in. Don't stand there like an idiot," Dumpty said and Remus entered to his office.

After Remus was recovered from his shock,

"Remus, how was your day?" Dumpty asked

"Well Severus didn't suspect a thing...," Remus replied and they talked for a few hours.

**One day later in Hogwarts**

When Dumpty, Remus and Severus entered the office, there was a small package on Dumpty's desk.

"I thought so," Dumpty said as he saw it.

"When is Remus getting his memory back?" Severus asked as he sat down.

"Soon, soon," was all Dumpty said because now he was busy with opening the package.

"Ah, finally. I knew that laddie would come to his senses," Dumpty cried out happily.

"Don't you have any lemon drops?" Remus asked hopefully because he knew Dumpty never had chocolate.

"They must have run out, sorry. But I have great news." Dumpty was beaming at Severus and Remus.

Neither of them said a thing; Remus because he had mouth full of lemon drops(or he thought there were lemon drops) and Snape because he didn't feel like it.

"They are back!" Dumpty showed them what was in the box: sandals.

"Wow. Those are the most beautiful sandals I have ever seen." Remus was on drugs. He had eaten some 'Dumpty's special', ecstacy, pink elephants and foghorns disguised as lemon drops.

"You really think so?" Dumpty had put them on and was now hopping on his desk.

"I think it's best if we leave right now. Come on, Remus." Severus and Remus tried to leave but they discovered that they couldn't move.

"You can't leave," Dumpty said as he hopped down from his desk.

"Why? Is this one of your schemes?" Severus asked.

"No, not at all. You are just standing under a mistletoe which was put there by Dobby. He thought it might became handy some day," Dumpty replied and tried to look innocent but Severus knew that Dumpty had put it there.

"Now all you have to do is kiss each other. Otherwise you'll be standing there forever," Now Dumpty was laughing evilly and it was very clear that he was responsible for this whole situation.

"For a fucks sake!" Remus shouted and grabbed Severus' and kissed him quickly.

Severus was so stunned that he just stared after Remus when he left the office. Severus didn't see how pale Remus had become because he knew there was no turning back.


	6. Chapter 6

**Voldie's Lair**

"How is that letter coming?" Voldie asked impatiently as he was pacing in front of Wormtail.

"It is almost ready, Lord Voldie the Evil maniac," Wormtail replied.

Wormtail was sweating heavily. He had never had this much trouble writing a letter. Voldie wanted him to write difficult words like revenge, remember and precious.

"Hurry up. I don't have the whole day!" Voldie screamed.

"Now it's finished," Wormtail said and look Voldie like an idiot.

"Well, send to Dumpty, you idiot!" Voldie was roaring at this point.

"I don't understand the meaning of this letter, Lord Voldie the Evil maniac," Wormtail stated quietly.

"Of course you don't, you imbecile!" Voldie was fuming now and made sure that Wormtail send it to the right person.

"What is the address of Hogwarts?" Wormtail asked and Voldie thought that it was a joke.

"What do you mean what is the address? Say to that bloody owl that takes it to Dumpty the Headmaster of Hogwarts. What an idiot do I have as a servant," Voldie rolled his eyes and thought; _How idiot can a human be? Wait a minute, he is a rat. That explains everything._

**Dumpty's diary**

_Guess what happened today, my sandals are back!_

_Finally, I have been waiting for this day._

_Now I can spy my students once more without being seen._

_I just love to listen what ever problems they have._

_It is much easier that way to keep track of things._

_Anyway, I have made a progress in situation called 'Remus/SeverusAndTheirRelationship'._

_I could see that they were on the edge._

_They will sleep together soon._

_I could see how Severus was checking Remus' rear end as they left here today._

Dumpty's writing was disturbed when an owl flew on the his desk.

**Snape's quarters..**

"I know what you're up to." Severus closed the door behind him and Remus.

"I don't have a clue what you're talking about," Remus said calmly.

"Oh, I think you do. Do you think I'm blind?" Severus was nearing Remus with every step he took.

"I still don't.." Remus tried to play innocent.

"You have your memory back, haven't you?" Severus was now standing in front of Remus.

"What are you.." Remus said as Severus cornered him between himself and the wall.

"Don't try to deny it. I can see right through you. You have your memory back?" Severus asked again.

"Yes," Remus said quietly.

"Then you must remember what we were doing the night before you lost it." They faces were now almost touching.

"Er.. Yes, I.. I wasn't sure.. because of the way you treated me and then Dumpty mentioned something about you and him.." Remus was babbling randomly.

"First of all, you were mentally a eleven year-old boy. Do you really think that I could take advantage of you then?"

"Well, no but.."

"Good, now shut up." Severus pulled Remus into a passionate kiss.

Suddenly someone burst in the room. Severus and Remus sprinted apart faster than you can say 'a cat'.

"Severus, Remus. Oh, good you're both here. Something has happened," Dumpty said in haste.

"What is it, Albus?" Remus asked first.

"Harry has been kidnapped by Lord Voldie the Evil maniac," Dumpty answered.


	7. Chapter 7

"What is it, Albus?" Remus asked first.

"Harry has been kidnapped by Lord Voldie the Evil maniac," Dumpty answered.

"I got a letter from him," Dumpty continued.

Remus took the letter from Dumpty and his eyes flew quickly over the words as he read it.

_Dear Dumpty,_

_I'm writing to you because I want to kill Harry Potter. I know you are favouring him above all your students. _

_You never where a good father to me so I decided to revenge. I hope you'll remember this day if I die by the hand of Potter._

_When I was a kid, I always hoped that someday you would look at me with pride but that day never came._

_I'm still waiting for it but I know it is stupid because I can take over the world now!_

_I have your precious Potter here with me and I will tell him all your lies. He will never believe you again. I'll make sure of that._

_Don't try to rescue him. It's pointless because you can't find me from my lair which is located under the garden of Malfoy manor._

_So don't even think of it. You will fail on your attempts. But now I have some killing to do, _

_so Hasta la vista Dumpty!_

_Yours,_

_Lord Voldie the Evil maniac_

**Back to Voldie's lair..**

"Now that I have Harry Potter I can take over the world!" Voldie's high pitched voice filled the room.

"But Lord Voldie the Evil maniac you also said that when you had Dumpty's sandals." Wormtail looked his master with concerned eyes.

"Yes, Yes, but people were laughing at me when I was wearing them. Anyway what is the last thing on our TakeOverTheWorldPlan-list?"

"It says, Take over the world."

"Excellent! Wormtail, go and get me Lucius. We have some spanking to do!"

"Yes my Lord Voldie the Evil maniac." Wormtail apparated to Malfoy Manor.

After a few minutes Lucius was standing in front of Voldie.

"What do you want? How dare you interrupt my spanking lessons with Snape and Lupin. Finally when I was having fun after all these years."

"Don't worry Lucius. You can invite them here to celebrate my victory!" Voldie was grinning from ear to ear.

"What? So you finally won the beauty contest 'Miss Universe' this year?" Lucius was also smiling.

"No, that's in the past. I have taken over the world!"

"You've just said it. You haven't done anything yet," Harry, who was bored; said behind Voldie. Voldie turned around and looked angry.

"You're this close to lose your life so don't push me Harry." Voldie's fingers were only inches apart.

"You wouldn't dare.." Harry and Voldie were now both gazing each other in fury.

"Boys, there's no need to get all worked up." Lucius was gently pushing them apart.

"You're right Lucius as always. Sorry Harry, it just that I'm pregnant again." Voldie had tears in his eyes.

"Again?" Lucius asked.

"Again?" Harry asked also but for different reasons.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. And answer to your question, Harry, I'm your father." Voldie answered.

"What? I'm YOUR son!" Harry backed away from Voldie.

"Yes well, I couldn't give my only son to James and his wife who was nothing more than a slut! James and I had a affair and we were planning a future together but then this whore came and stole my beautiful James away from me." Voldie was crying helplessly.

"Why did you killed them? I don't understand."

"When James told me that he was marring that slut and I can't no longer see my son I just lost it. I didn't mean to kill James I just were so angry and I wanted our son to be dead. After I had killed James I went after that bitch! who dared to call herself your mother. I killed her too and I didn't realise how much she had loved you. Well you know the rest of it. So I must say that Dumpty has been lying to you all your life.

James was the only one who knew that I wasn't **THE DARK LORD **everyone were afraid of. I admit that I killed and tortured people just because I was pregnant and I couldn't control my mood swings. Most people laugh at my round belly so I killed few of them.

"Everyone always thought I was trying to kill you but I just tried to tell you that you're my son and I love you no matter what." Voldie seemed to love his own voice.

"You love me? But why did you always try to really kill me then?" Harry was almost crying.

"You look alike James. I always remember him and his betrayal when I look at you. But I have moved on and I wish you could some day call me Daddy."

"Oh daddy," Harry said and hugged Voldie.

Both of the were crying. Lucius had to leave because he was at the tears himself

"Please, dad will you come to my wedding and walk me down the aisle?" Harry tangled himself off Voldie to see his reaction.

"Oh, I couldn't be more happy to do that," Voldie said and hugged Harry once again.

"So, you're marrying Draco Malfoy at last. The whole wizarding world has been waiting that you two face the inevitable and marry each other," Voldie continued.

"Really? We've been.."

Harry and Voldie continued talking until Harry remembered that he had to give a full body massage to Draco and he had to leave. Draco would kill him if he was late. Harry had always thought that Draco was the supportive part in their relationship.


	8. Chapter 8

**Malfoy Manor..**

"Ah, it's good to be home again," Voldie sighed happily when he and Harry arrived to the manor.

"I didn't know that you lived here," Harry said in wonder.

"Well, Lucius was so kind and took me in when I was bearing you." Voldie had a dreamy look on his face and he was clearly in his own world, so Harry decided not to ask him about it.

"You're back! I've been missing.. Voldemort?" Draco ran to the entrance hall but was stunned when he saw who was with Harry.

"You can call me Voldie," Voldie replied.

"And I thought you missed me," Harry pouted.

Draco was in shock and Harry dragged him away in order to explain things.

"What is Voldemort the-Evil-Dark-Lord doing here!" Draco hissed as soon as they were behind the corner.

"I brought him here. He's my father and I have a headache," Harry said and waited Draco's reaction.

"Father? How? He-who-must-not-get-Dumpty's-underpants can't be your father. It's impossible," Draco was rambling.

"Draco, love. Calm down. I thought you knew that nothing in impossible around here. Especially when you are talking about Dumpty and Voldie but anyway I'll explain everything to you as soon as possible but first I have to get a room for Voldie," Harry spoke calmly.

"Alright but you'd better give me amazing massage for this," Draco grinned evilly and walked back to the entrance hall where Voldie was talking with a portrait of an old grumpy man who had a cockney accent.

"I would like to see that chamber," Voldie was saying as Harry and Draco returned.

"What chamber?" Draco asked.

"Some kinky-torturing chamber," Voldie replied with a broad smile.

"Oh that chamber. Father uses it now for his spanking sessions and I'm quite sure that he'd love to show it to you some day." Draco winked at Voldie but Voldie didn't noticed as he was looking past Draco.

Harry turned to see what Voldie was looking at but there was nothing or no one.

"Dad, are you alright? Harry asked.

"Yes, I'm okay. I just thought.." Voldie trailed off.

"What?" Harry asked.

"Nothing. It was nothing," Voldie replied.

They walked in silence as Draco guided the through the manor to Voldie's room.

"So, is anyone else staying here in the manor besides the Malfoys?" Voldie asked after a while.

"Remus and Severus are here too and Dumpty stops by every once in a while," Harry replied.

"Good, now I someone to talk to. My Death Eaters are quite dumb and they don't talk much. They always seems have a hurry to kill some muggles which I don't quite understand. For years I tried to convince them to try out some new hobbies but it seemed that Lucius was the only one who ever listened," Voldie said.

"Right," Harry and Draco said at the same time.

**One Week to the Wedding, Somewhere in Malfoy Manor..**

Severus was looking for Remus and was currently outside the library when he heard noises from there.

"Oh, that feels so good," someone moaned.

There was a moment of silence.

"I didn't know you are this good," Now Severus recognised the voice. It was Remus.

"Well, I didn't know you wanted me to," It was Lucius with whom Remus was _speaking_.

Remus moaned again and it was absolutely clear what was happening inside the room.

"I'm not too rough, am I?" Lucius asked.

"No, harder! Oh, good!" Remus screamed.

Severus couldn't take it anymore. He never thought that Remus would cheat him with his best friend. He rushed away and he never wanted to see Remus again.

"Calm down. I don't want Severus to get angry with me and if he hears you, I'll be a dead man," Lucius said.

"Oh, sorry. I was just pleased with your hand work," Remus replied.

"Well it's a good time for me to start trying out new things. I never thought that rubbing someone's back could be so _satisfying_," Lucius' voice was like silk but it didn't fool Remus.

"Don't even think about it. You know that I'm with Severus," Remus said as put his shirt back on.

"I know and I'm already involved with someone so no worries," Lucius said and left the library.

**Malfoy Manor, Kitchen..**

Harry was going to kitchen but he heard Draco talking with someone in there. He stayed by the door and listened.

"How is your relationship with Potter?" Draco's ex-boyfriend Goyle asked as he tried to use a toaster.

"It doesn't work," Draco answered.

"What's wrong with it?"

"It doesn't heat up like it used to."

"Maybe I could help you fix it. After all I have some special talents that you're not aware."

"It isn't necessary. I think I have to find a new one but it's hard to let it go after so many years."

_Oh, my god. He's going to leave me!_ Harry couldn't hold tears anymore. He rushed away sobbing.

"Can we already stop talking about this damn machine besides you didn't answer to my question about your relationship, so how is it going, any problems?"

"I'm going to marry him if that is what you mean."

"Why! Don't you see that we are meant to be. Not you and Potter!"

"Gregory stop. Please, I'm so tired to hear this. You know very well that our relationship would have ended sooner or later."

"But I know you still have feelings for me," Goyle breathed to Draco's ear as he cornered him against the sink.

"Get off me! Haven't you heard a word I said. I love Harry and I WILL marry him!" Draco tried to push Goyle away.

"I know but couldn't we just once.. for the old times sake." Goyle started to fondle Draco.

"No! Stop it! No, no..." Draco tried to get away from his ex-boyfriend but it was hopeless. Goyle was stronger than him.

Lucius came in to the kitchen and saw what was taking place there.

"Get your hands off him you sick bastard!" Lucius tore Goyle off Draco and looked him with murderous eyes.

"What do you think you're doing? Don't you have any dignity, don't you respect Draco's choices. He's marrying Harry for fuck's sake and you almost rape him because you can't let him go.

"I honestly thought that we could trust you but now I see we were wrong. It's time for you to leave here and don't you dare to set a foot on my grounds ever again!" Lucius pointed the door for Goyle.

Goyle glanced Draco before leaving without a word.

"Are you okay son?" Lucius was now calm as ever.

"Yes, I'm okay." Draco smiled weakly at Lucius.

"Good. So where's your fiancé?"

"I don't actually know but I go and see if I can find him and father?"

"Yes?"

"That toaster is broken," Draco said and left the room.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N:** **This chapter is going to be the longest so far. There's so much going on that I decided to put all these 'misunderstanding' parts in to this chapter. It would be kind of messy if I didn't.**

**I'm sorry that writing this chapter took so long but I didn't have a chance to update sooner. **

**Chapter nine**

**At Malfoy Manor..**

"Ah, Severus, what brings you here?" Voldie was ironing his pants when Severus barged in his room.

"That fucking bastard! I'm going to skin him alive!" Severus shouted as he paced before Voldie.

"Watch your tongue mister! You're not going to swear in front of my baby!" Voldie screamed back.

"Sorry, Tom, it's just that Remus is cheating on me," Severus almost sobbed but he kept himself together.

"How do you know?"

"I heard him and Lucius in the library getting it on," Severus said his voice full of loathing.

"What? I mean that how can Remus do this to you?" Voldie tried to hide his shock from Severus.

"I don't know! If I had known.."

"Don't blame yourself, Severus. It's not your fault. Remus is the one to blame here, not you," Voldie tried to comfort Severus as well as he could.

"Yeah, I know but still.."

"Hey, don't think about it now. Try to have some sleep. I'll talk to Remus and I'll try to find out if he's worthy of your love," Voldie's words were as soothing as always. No wonder why he had been able to gather all the Death Eaters around him so easily.

"Thanks, Tom and you will tell me what he said, won't you?"

"Of course and if his answer isn't what you hoped for then we are going to kick some ass," Voldie smiled evilly and Severus joined him.

Voldie was on his way to the library when he heard somebody crying. He saw one door a little ajar and he found Harry sitting behind it. Harry didn't notice him at first but then Voldie coughed gently.

"Oh, dad. I didn't see you.. How you.."

"Calm down, Harry and tell me, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Harry wiped the tears away hastily.

"Don't give me that crap. You know that I'm a master of leggymency after all."

"It's legilimency, not leggymency, dad."

"Oh, whatever. Now tell me what's wrong."

"He's been lying to me all along."

"You mean Dumpty?" Voldie looked hopeful.

"No, Draco," Harry replied.

"What has Draco done this time," Voldie sighed.

"He's going to leave me," Harry sobbed.

"What on earth are you talking about? You are getting married soon. He's not going to leave you or is he?" Voldie looked doubtful for a moment.

"That's not helping dad! I know he's gonna leave me because I heard him admitting it," Harry said and almost started to cry again.

"Oh, Harry. Do you want me to kill him for you?" Voldie tried to comfort Harry as well as he good.

"No, I think I have to talk with him."

"Talking is overrated. My piece of advice is that you kill him first and ask questions later. At least that has been working for me. I'm not the Dark Lord for nothing," Voldie said proudly.

Now that Voldie was through with talking to Harry he was finally going to see Remus and find some answers. He arrived at the door which led into Remus' room. How could Lucius sleep with a werewolf? Snape maybe but Lucius? "Well I must find out what's going on," Voldie was muttering by himself as suddenly the door opened and

"Please come in. It's kind of pointless to talk all by yourself when I can hear you from the other side of the door."

A tired looking werewolf was looking at him with his big brown puppy eyes.

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?" Severus asked.

"Your little chocolate puppy."

"Go away! I don't want to talk to you!" Severus shouted as he sulked.

"Sev, what's wrong? Has something happened?" Remus stepped inside the room and put his hand on Severus' shoulder.

"Don't touch me you filthy little lap dog!" Severus sprinted away from Remus.

"Severus! Tell me what's going on. I don't understand," Remus sounded calm but anger was bubbling inside him.

"I know what you are doing with Lucius," Severus sneered at Remus.

Remus paled and looked like he was about to faint.

"What did you say?" Remus asked weakly.

"I said that I KNOW what you and that blond bitch are doing together. How could you! You should know better. With Malfoy of all people. Oh. Merlin!" Severus rambled on.

"How did you find out? No one was supposed to know. Lucius promised that," Remus cut in.

"You should know him better by now. How much money did you get? 5000 Galleons?"

"I got usually 20 Knuts," Remus replied.

"Oh, my god! OUT!"

"But Severus please. I can explain if you just let me," Remus pleaded.

"You filthy whore! Out! Get OUT! I don't want to see you EVER AGAIN!" Severus pushed Remus out of the room and slammed the door shut.

A bit earlier..

Voldie stepped inside to the room and heard a soft click as the door closed.

"I know about you and Lucius," Voldie stated as he sat down on to a armchair near the fireplace.

"What? How?" Remus panicked.

"I'm not here to tell you that. I want to know how long it has been going on," Voldie answered calmly.

"Well, I and Lucius..." Remus told Voldie everything. Lucius had lured him to become a stripper to a local night club which Lucius owned. First Remus hadn't liked the idea but Lucius had paid him well so he hadn't complained. He wasn't recognized because of a skilful illusion charm. Remus had started to enjoy his work but he felt guilty nevertheless.

Voldie listened this very carefully and saw a perfect opportunity to ruin some other peoples lives. Lord Voldie the Evil maniac was back!

"When did you plan to tell me?" Harry asked Draco as Draco entered the room they shared together.

"Tell you what?" Draco looked confused. He was happy that finally he had found Harry. Although Harry looked like a shit.

"That you are.. leaving me," Harry fought a sob back.

"What? Where did you get an idea like that. I'm not going to leave you," Draco answered and walked next to Harry; who was sitting on the bed.

"But I heard you talking with Goyle and you said that our relationship isn't working and it doesn't heat up like it used to," Harry was crying again.

"No, no. Listen to me, Harry, babe. I was talking about a toaster. Not our relationship," Draco knelt down in front of Harry and took Harry's hands to his own.

"Really?" Harry asked sobbing.

"Really," Draco answered.

**Author Notes: **

**I'm evil;) You should know better than read this.**

**And now please review!**

**-Chapter ten: The wedding and more secrets! **


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter ten**

**The Wedding**

"We are gathered here today to witness this holy alliance between these two nice fellows.." priest continued it for a while but then he started to talk about how he had became a priest.

"...so there I was, naked and surrounded by these gorgeous women then the cops came and they saw my dik they were shocked of it size. I was in prison for twelve years because my dck was twelve times bigger than theirs.. In the prison I found God and I promised to stay in celibacy for the rest of my life. What a shame really but anyway, is there anyone who is against this marriage?" the priest finally asked.

"I am." There was only one person who was still awake and the other people started to wake up slowly.

"What is the reason?" the priest asked casually.

"Harry and Draco are half-brothers," Dumpty answered.

"WHAT?" more than one person shouted.

"Harry is son of Voldie and James, and Draco is son of Lucius and James," Dumpty replied.

"Why didn't you, Father, tell me this before! You knew I was marrying my brother! How sick do you think I am!" Draco shouted on top of his lungs.

"I'm sorry son but I couldn't tell you. I thought that maybe you weren't James' at all. Maybe you could be Arthur's." Lucius was crying quietly.

"Arthur as Arthur Weasley?" Harry asked.

"Yes," Lucius answered now sobbing.

"Lucius, how could you! You've been screwing the whole Order of the Phoenix behind my back!" Voldie got up and shouted.

"Take it easy, Tom," Molly Weasley said and was now standing next to Voldie.

"I'm just shocked, Mol," Voldie said looking like he was about to cry once again.

"Tell me you aren't going to cry, are you? You're just like I remembered. Although, I should have known when I heard your nickname," Molly sighed and shook her head.

"You keep your mouth shut about that," Voldie ordered.

"Why? Don't you think 'Brooke' is good nickname for a man who cries so much?" Molly asked with a playful twinkle in her eyes but the twinkle was lost to Voldie.

"Argh! I don't remember why I used to date you back at school. I hate you!" Voldie ran away with his round belly.

"Why did you have to torment him when he is so sensitive!" Lucius shouted at Molly before he rushed after Voldie.

"Ouch, but now why don't we all go and have dinner. Because there's no wedding, doesn't mean that all the food I made is going to vanish," Molly said with a bright smile on her face.

Everyone left to the Manor's dining room were the wedding reception was supposed to be. Now it turned into a huge party where everyone could drink and dance naked all night.

The party came to an end when Dumpty lit a fire in the middle of the room and danced around it.

"Goodnight, everybody!" one very drunken Draco Malfoy shouted when he climbed the stairs to his room and he didn't went alone.

"Severus, we need to talk," Remus whispered to Severus' ear.

"We have nothing to talk about," came a rude reply.

"Severus, please. This is getting ridiculous."

Severus glared Remus for a second before answering, "Fine. We can go to my room."

"Severus, I'm sorry. When I started to work for Lucius I didn't think that I could find someone who would love me," Remus said as he sat down on Severus' bed.

"What are you trying to say? Is Lucius in love with you?" Severus didn't believe it. Was Lucius trying to take his lover from him?

"What? No, Lucius isn't the one I'm talking about. It's you," Remus answered and looked Severus in the eye.

"Me? What are you talking about? Do you really think that I love you?" Severus could not believe what he was hearing.

"I know you do. I can see it every time I look at your eyes, Severus."

Severus just stared at Remus for a moment. He had tried to hide it from Remus but Remus tends to know everything, just like that old pimp Dumpty.

"You haven't explained what is this thing between you and Lucius," Severus thought that the conversation was getting off the tracks.

"As I said, I'm working for Lucius and as you know I'm a stripper and I.."

"WHAT! A stripper! Please Lord, tell me I heard wrong." Severus almost fainted, so he had to sit down on the floor. He didn't want to hurt himself by falling from a chair in a case he **did** faint.

Remus told him everything and afterwards he had to carry unconscious Severus to the bed.

**Voldie's private quarters at Malfoy Manor..**

Voldie was crying on his bed when someone knocked softly on the door.

"Go away!" Voldie shouted.

The person didn't care about his arguments, just came into his room. Voldie suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Are you okay?" Lucius asked gently.

"Of course I am!" Voldie snapped.

"Forgive me, Lucius. I just can't take this anymore!" Voldie said when Lucius didn't say a word.

"You can't take what?"

"You and me! One minute ago you said you love me and then you treat me like I was invisible," Voldie cried helplessly in front of Lucius.

"I know what I said and I still feel that way," Lucius replied as he sat down besides Voldie.

"You do?" Voldie asked quietly.

"Of course I do. Malfoys don't ever lie," Lucius said and kissed Voldie.

"But Lucius, I don't know. You're married and..." Voldie protested.

"And we are having a baby. Was that what you were going to say? I'm officially divorced. I got a message from my lawyer this morning." Lucius smiled and shifted little closer to Voldie.

"Just let me love you," Lucius said before he captured Voldie's lips once again and this time Voldie didn't protest.

**Few hours later**

"Lucius?"

"Hmm..." Voldie heard a muffled response somewhere among the pillows.

"Do you have any animals here?"

"What?" Lucius' appeared from the pillows looking tired.

"Do you keep any animals here at the Manor?" Voldie asked again.

"None that I know of. Why?"

"In that case. I thought that I saw.. No, it couldn't be." Voldie shook his head.

"You saw what?" Lucius was starting to get worried. It wasn't the first time that Voldie was seeing hallucinations.

"I thought that I saw.. I saw James," Voldie answered quietly.

Lucius didn't reply. He was too stunned to do so.

**A/N: **

**-Chapter Eleven: With whom did Draco go to his room? And is James really alive?**

**And for those who don't know or understand, everything that happens, happens at Malfoy Manor. They are staying there because of the wedding. Lucius invited all of them to his home. It's much cheaper to hold the wedding on your own home and easier for the guests 'cause they can participate in celebration for the happy couple in the same house!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter Eleven**

"Hi, everyone!" Draco chirped as he entered the dining room, where the breakfast was served.

Few 'morning' could be heard from the people who hadn't drank anything last night. There was like two of them.

Lucius and Voldie were sitting together at the end of the table and they were grinning idiotically to each other. Harry was seated near to Voldie and the whole Weasley clan plus Hermione next to him. On Lucius' side were all who hadn't red hair(except Hermione).

Draco marched briskly to the other end of the table and coughed to get everyone's attention.

"I want you all to hear me out for a sec," Draco said and smiled.

Everyone looked up and waited.

"I want to introduce my new boyfriend, Sirius!" Draco shouted merrily and Sirius rushed through the doors next to Draco.

"WHAT!" Lucius bellowed and stood up. Draco's grin faded a little as he saw the look on his father's face.

"Lucius, calm down," Sirius spoke out and it proved to be a mistake.

"Don't tell me what to do you stinking fuzz ball!" Lucius sprang from his position and ran to throttle Sirius. Sirius transformed into his dog form and ran for his life.

"No, Daddy!" Draco sprinted after his lover and father.

"If Lucius ever catches Sirius, which one is going to win? Any bets?" Voldie asked and put his gambler hat on.

Half of the people were betting for Lucius and the other half didn't dare to say anything. They got bored after a long moment of waiting and started to play 'strip poker' as someone might call it. Voldie was winning, he hadn't lost any clothing yet. Harry didn't have his pants anymore and Dumpty was completely naked but it was hard to tell because his beard covered his body almost entirely, thank god.

After an hour of waiting they started to play 'spin the bottle' and Dumpty was first to answer.

"Truth or dare?" Voldie asked. He got to spin first because he won the poker game.

"Truth."

"Where are your pants?" This question was completely waste of time.

"Under the table." Dumpty looked worried because he saw that Voldie couldn't help thinking anything other than what was in the pants.

They went on for a moment. Remus ended up singing, My Heart Will Go on, on top of the table. Severus had to wash his hair and Voldie had to admit that he was a slut and liked to lick Lucius'..er..shoes.

Suddenly Sirius sprinted into the room and hid behind Remus. Lucius came in looking like Satan himself. His eyes were flaming and if it had been possible, smoke would have been rising from his ears and he would have been breathing fire. Draco ran in after them panting heavily.

"You are going to die for touching my son, you filthy mongrel!" Lucius started to walk towards Sirius.

"No Father! You're not going to kill him," Draco defended Sirius, standing in front of him.

"But he did wicked things to you. He's much older than you. You could be his son!" Lucius didn't even look at Draco. He kept his eyes bored into Sirius'.

"He's not the first nor the only one, Father!" This got Lucius' full attention.

"What!" Lucius' eyes snapped from Sirius to Draco in a flash.

"It was Severus," Draco blurted out.

The room was dead silent and every pair of eyes were fixed on either Lucius or Snape. Snape was pale like a sheet and he looked very scared.

"Lucius..." Severus rose from his seat and started to back out of the room. Lucius grabbed his wand and pointed at Severus.

"Avada Kedavra!" A green light flashed and somebody shouted a bright 'no'.

If it was possible, the room was even more quiet than before. Everyone expected to find Remus on the floor but Remus was still seated at the table. Instead of Remus, there on the ground was Dumpty.

"No!" Remus moaned and rushed to check Dumpty's pulse.

Everyone were in shock. They didn't know what to do or what to say.

"Is it a bad time or..." Just then James stuck his head through the doors. He also saw Dumpty on the floor.

"No! What have you done to my brother!" James shouted and started to cry.

AN:

Please review!

Chapter twelve:

Dumpty's funeral and some things are solved and some aren't..


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